A Very Sparkly Interview
by Chiara SS
Summary: I get an exclusive interview with the well known, Cullen Clan. I learn many interesting facts about them. Some fascinating, others horrifying, and some just downright annoying. Hilarity ensues! *edited as of 5/17/2013*
1. Chapter 1

**5/17/2013 - Greetings, martians. **

**Just thought I should clean up this sparkly little monster. **

**R&R! **

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><p><strong>A Very Sparkly Interview<strong>

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><p><strong><em>THE FORKS POST<em>  
>Sex Crazed Vampires Ruling the Nation?<br>**_By: Angela Bryce_**  
><strong>

On the third of March, my editor (the lovely Ms. Hastings) have me the most _glorious _task of interviewing the Cullen's. At first I thought it was merely some sick joke she was trying to play, but then I realized the seriousness of my assignment. After giving her an exasperated look, she told me that everyone at the paper had downright refuse to do. I didn't blame any of them, of course. _Who _in their right mind would want to?

But I was quite upset the task had been dumped on me. So, I suppose I should mention that I definitely do _not_ want to be here.

Now, I am sitting (quite reluctantly, I may add) with all of them, the "perfectly beautiful" Cullen Clan. I'm looking at them with complete and utter disgust. On the right, is Carlisle and Esme, deeply staring into each other's eyes, never leaving their gaze. And the rest, well. How do I put this nicely? They're all—Rosalie, Emmett, Alice, Jasper, Bella, and Edward—sucking their respected partner's faces. Frankly, it was a horrifying sight.

And then there's little Jacob, sitting awkwardly in the corner of the room... petting his beloved Nessie.

I clear my throat in a rather Umbridge-y manor, and everyone jumps up looking ready to pounce. Perhaps—eat me? I hold my hands up, and say, "Are we ready to start the interview?" They nod.

**Me: ***sighs* thank you for giving me the opportunity to interview you. I know you all like to stay clear from the press.  
><strong>Everyone: <strong>*they merely nod again, their eyes never leaving my own*

Their awkward staring succeeds in freaking me out, and I can't resist asking;

**Me: **You're not going to eat me, are you?  
><strong>Everyone: <strong>*shakes their heads*  
><strong>Carlisle: <strong>We're vegetaaaarrrriiiiaaannns.

I'm getting the sense that Carlisle is high. Well, that does explain the smell...

**Me: **Right. Well, we're just going to to go down the line, and you'll tell me a little about yourself. The basics, of course, and something interesting—something that no one know's about you.

Normally I would've added something along the lines of '_if your comfortable with that_' but I could really care less at the moment.

**Me: **All right then, Carlisle. You first.  
><strong>Carlisle: <strong>The name's Cullen. Carlisle Cullen. And—  
><strong>Jacob: <strong>Stop with the damn _James Bond _references.  
><strong>Carlisle: <strong>*puffs, and then growls* shut up, Jacob. No one here except for Bella likes you. *mutters under breath* stupid dog!

I smiled.

I knew that this was going to happen—drama. And lot's of it. And as a journalist, this is exactly the kind of thing I wanted. I think it was that exact moment when I promised myself to record _every single thing _these strange creatures said.

**Carlisle: **Anyways, my name is Carlisle, and I'm a doctor. I give medication and save people lives—you know, regular 21st century doctor things—for a living. Isn't that just fascinating. And I'm married to this beautiful woman right her *gestures to Esme*. And well, yeah. That's about all there is to me.  
><strong>Me: <strong>How about an interesting fact. A hobby, or—  
><strong>Carlisle: <strong>I freaking _love _James Bond.  
><strong>Me: <strong>Fascinating. What's your favorite movie?  
><strong>Carlisle: <strong>Goldfinger.  
><strong>Me: <strong>*nods* oh, that's a good one.

Even vampires like James Bond.

Wow. You learn something new everyday. Anyways, on to the next person.

**Esme:** I think it's, like, my turn to, like, shine, right interview person?  
><strong>Me: <strong>Uh, it's Angela—  
><strong>Esme: <strong>This is Esme time, like, stop talking. Anyways, like, my name is, like, Esme. But you already knew that that. Like, cool name, right?

When I don't reply, she freaks out of me.

**Esme: ***yells* RIGHT!?  
><strong>Me: <strong>*I jump, and nod abruptly*  
><strong>Esme: <strong>*smiles sweetly* Thanks! Anyways, like, I'm married to this, like _SEX BEAST _right over here. *purrs* love you honey *blows a seductive kiss*

Carlisle acts like he's "catching" the kiss, and smothers it onto his lips unattractively.

**Esme: **And like, one thing, like, that people don't know about me, like, is that, like, I am, like, totally addicted to playing Angry Birds. But, like, SHHH, don't tell anyone.  
><strong>Me: <strong>*smiles awkwardly* I promise I won't say anything.  
><strong>Esme: <strong>Like, thanks.

I'm shivering. I've never seen this personality in her... it's really creeping me out.

**Me: **And now you, Rosalie.  
><strong>Rosalie: <strong>Grrr!  
><strong>Me: <strong>Um, would you like to tell me a bit about yourself?  
><strong>Rosalie: <strong>RAAARR!  
><strong>Emmett: <strong>Sorry, she thinks that she's a dinosaur.

This family just keeps getting weirder an weirder.

**Me: **Okay, well then, on to you, Emmett.  
><strong>Emmett: <strong>... Hold on.  
><strong>Me: <strong>Erm, okay.  
><strong>Emmett: <strong>*takes out a mirror, and stares lovingly at himself. He fixes his already perfect hair. He puts the mirror down, but picks it up again after a mere ten seconds. Doesn't look back at me.  
><strong>Me: <strong>... Okay, then.

Umm.

**Me: ***I look beside Rosalie and Emmett, and see Bella and Edward. Alice and Jasper are no where to be found* where's Alice and Jasper?  
><strong>Emmett: <strong>*distractedly, but calmly as if stating the weather* they went to the bedroom to go have sex.  
><strong>Me: <strong>*shudders*

... No comment.

**Esme: ***whines* why do they get to go and have some fun! Like, I haven't any in like half an hour!  
><strong>Everyone: <strong>*nods in agreement*  
><strong>Me: <strong>Don't worry, the interview is almost over.

Well. I think that was the most frightening thing I have ever heard.

In my entire life.

**Me: **So Bella, tell us about yourself.  
><strong>Bella: <strong>*stares blankly* EDWARD IS SOOO HAWT!  
><strong>Me: <strong>Yourself, Bella, not Edward.  
><strong>Bella: <strong>BUT HE IS SOO FREAKING HAWT! AND HE'S ALL MINE, SO YOU BETTER STAY AWAY FROM HIM!

Bella gets up, and tries to attack me. I run out as fast as I can. I never did get to finish that interview.

And I had so much more to ask. But, I suppose I'm glad I didn't. I'm definitely glad I didn't have to talk with the pedophile wolf. But I very much wish I could've spoken with Nessie. I still wonder what she thinks of her fucked up family. But... in the end I learned a lot about the Cullen family.

Each family member had a quality about them that made them... well, a Cullen.

Carlisle's drug problem and James Bond obsession. Esme's love affair with her herself, and of course, her annoying habit of saying 'like' every three seconds. Rosalie's a dinosaur... um. Emmett's obsession with himself. Bella's freaky attachment to Edward. And of course, the Cullen love for sex.

But the real message is... DON'T DO DRUGS, KIDS.

Actually, Forks, it's _stay away from the Cullen's at all cost. _

Angela out!

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><p><strong>I hope you enjoyed this sparkly and educational parody. <strong>


	2. Chapter 2

Who knew that writing that article—you know, the one about the Cullen's—could have been so... dangerous.

Now, I know what you're thinking. No, Forks, I was not bombarded with hate mail from all those Twihards, that I had to quite being a journalist. Frankly, the article received very positive reviews. People have even sent letters with much praise about it. I think you're just confusing me with Forks very own Isabella Swan—or is it Cullen? All in all, my editor was very pleased.

But the multi-million dollar question; _why _was it such a bad idea?

I'll tell you.

The Cullen's and that Pedo-Wolf are after me. And that's good, not good at all; considering they're a bunch of sex crazed vampires/werewolves for fucks sake. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know what you're going to say; they're vegetarians. Um, nope, not anymore. Honestly, I think that's the worst part of this whole ordeal. The Cullen's have officially un-vegetarian-ized themselves just to hunt me down, and suck all the blood out of my body.

Not even, Carlisle, the sort of rational one in the family, had disagreed to it. So now... I'm on the run. But it's easier said than done (hey, that rhymes). They probably know where I am by now, Alice is psycho—I mean, psychic after all. But they're all probably banging each other right now, since they can't live two seconds without sex.

So, I suppose I have the advantage right now. Then again, maybe I shouldn't be worried... since they're all relatively stupid. Maybe they won't figure out where I am. But then again—that's sort of wishful thinking. The last time they wanted to something done, they flew all the way to Italy and stole a car just to save Eddie from killing himself.

So basically, once they figure out where I am, I'm dead. There's no doubt about it.

Ugh.

You live your whole life, only to be eaten by a bunch of sex-crazed vampires.

Who _freakin' _knew!?

It's kind of sad knowing that these are probably going to be my last moments on earth. But to be honest... I got my story out, and that's all that matters. Everyone now knows the real 'them' thanks to my article.

Yeah, I know; now it sounds like I'm the nut-job. But in all reality, you become a writer to get the truth to the public. I did my job, and if I have to die for it, so be it.

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><p>I've officially been on the run for five days now.<p>

And, to my greatest surprise, the Cullen's haven't caught up with me... yet.

_Yet _being the operative word.

I think they're doing it just to torture me. Having me wait, and wait, and wait only to have them kill me once they find me. Then Again, maybe they've been too busy with sex to even bother looking for me. I wouldn't surprise me if that was what was delaying them.

Finally, after seven days of declaring their revenge over me, they came.

Although, they seemed completely drunk. And perhaps high, too. One of the two, at least. Anyways, they didn't look to happy to see me. "Oh mah gawd, like, we had to, like, work so, like, freaking hard just to, like, find you." If you guessed it was Esme talking, then you're right on the mark. I wonder what in the world could've possibly hinted that!?

"You're vampires, and Alice is a psychic. How hard was it?" I asked exasperatedly.

"Alice was unavailable," explained Edward with a sigh.

To my (non) surprise, Alice was no where to be found. Nether was Jasper for that matter.

I sighed. They couldn't live one minute without screwing each other. They were truly the worst of them all.

"I just have one question for you all... why do you want to eat me, again?"

"We..." Carlisle's voice trailed off. They all looked to each other, and shrugged.

I smirked, "Can't remember, can you?"

"Rawr!" growled Rosalie.

I sighed, she still was under the strange impression that she was a dinosaur. Weird...

"Are you, like, kidding me?" asked Esme incredulously "We, like, had to work, like, so fucking hard, just to, like find this bitch, and then you, like don't even remember. Shit!"

I decided not to take the 'bitch' comment personally.

"Let's just go!" said Bella abruptly. "Me and my sexy Edward haven't done it in like an hour. That's way too long to go without it."

Everyone nodded in agreement, and left without even saying good-bye. Wow, I can't believe I did all that work, for nothing. I should've known that sex would come in the way of them eating me. But I was really surprised they didn't remember. But then again, I shouldn't be, they are Cullen's after all.

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><p><strong>Okay, I promise that's the end. Wow. Anyways, hope you enjoyed it! Review? XD<strong>


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